


Reconcile

by snowglobe3



Category: Outlander Series - Diana Gabaldon
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-14
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-03-31 07:32:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,320
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13970289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowglobe3/pseuds/snowglobe3
Summary: A reimagining of the aftermath of the escape from Fort William in which Claire is a little bit more understanding of why others might be mad at her.





	1. To humbly repent

Claire’s heart had been beating non-stop ever since Jamie had appeared in the window, ready to save her. Her happiness turned to increasing fear as Jack Randall held a knife to her throat, and she thought she might pass out when Jamie put down the gun. Their escape from the tower hadn’t been any less nerve-wracking. She found herself unable to relax until she and Jamie were finally together on land again. No words were exchanged between anyone in the rescue party. Instead, they urgently mounted their horses, seeking to avoid any patrols. As they rode away, the rhythmic movement of the horse combined with Jamie’s warm and strong presence behind her calmed her enough that she could drift into a somewhat uneasy sleep. 

Claire didn’t awake until the rhythm beneath her slowed. Her eyes cracked open to reveal an approaching river bank. The sleep she had managed didn’t seem to be doing her any good. Her head throbbed. She was sorely in need of a real night of sleep, preferably safe and warm in a bed. Jamie helped her down from the horse, but his movements were brusque and he hardly met her eyes. A new sense of nervousness, never quite banished from the events of the last day, began to grow in the pit of her stomach. Though she hadn’t known her husband long, she had never seen him act like this. His easygoing grin was totally absent, his expression angular and hard like stone. 

He passed his horse off to one of the men, gesturing for her to follow him to a small clearing a little bit away from the shore. She followed dutifully, but with tredaptation. He stopped and turned to face her, absolutely silent. Not even his face gave anything away. What was she supposed to say? What did he want her to say?  
Claire stopped herself before she could voice that thought, taking a moment to pause and collect herself. 

“I’m sorry.” These words had been her next instinct, and they spilled past her lips unbidden. She was momentarily surprised that she had said such a thing because surely that was the farthest thing from the truth at the moment. It wasn’t as if she had gone off with the intent of getting captured, and she hadn’t exactly asked for the other men to come and save her, though she was naturally quite grateful. And an apology could easily soothe Jamie’s ruffled feathers, at least until she figured out what had him acting so oddly. Lo and behold, these words seemed to soothe Jamie’s sourness. His face relaxed fractionally and he breathed out heavily before he opened his mouth as if to say something. Claire beat him to it.

“I never meant to put everyone else in danger.” Guilty as she felt for the consequences, she would be damned if she apologized for simply taking a walk in the woods.

“Good lord Sassenach, why did you do it? Surely it couldn’t have been too hard to stay put like I’d asked you to? Can’t you listen to your husband?”

Jamie’s question hit a bit too close to home for Claire. He knew nothing of why she couldn’t just stand around when the hope of return was so close. And he couldn’t know. That did nothing to prevent the anger that rose within her. She was ready to scream at him. Anything that avoided mentioning her real reasoning, right? But the look of growing anger on his face stayed her tongue. It was the same anger he had shown looking at Randall. To have that mighty rage directed at her was far from how she wanted her marriage to be. 

“Craigh na Dun.” 

Jamie looked back at her, confused, the wind clearly knocked out of his sails. A reason like this would teach him to be a bit more respectful of her decisions. But even as she said it, Claire knew that she might have let too much slip. The people of this time were fearful of magic and the occult (and perhaps rightly so). To reveal that she had been to the circle before would be incredibly dangerous. An accusation of witchcraft was a serious thing. Claire scrambled to piece together a believable story.

“I saw the circle through the trees and I just felt… drawn to it. I couldn’t stop myself from going there. It was as if my mind had left my body.”

A wrinkle appeared on Jamie’s forehead. Magic was not to be trifled with, and he had certainly heard stranger tales before. Something about it didn’t feel right, but he supposed that anything so wrong as magic shouldn’t feel comfortable. 

“Is that so? ‘Twas the faeries that made you take leave of your senses?” Jamie’s tone had softened, but still contained a steely hint of anger beneath the surface. Claire had given him her best answer- why wasn’t he listening to her at all?

“I have no fucking idea! It’s not as if I thought, I’ll go take a walk and get myself captured! I never meant for any of this to happen, but you don’t get to control everything I do.” Claire felt a sense of relief after finally venting her emotions even as she felt a slight guilt at using Jamie to do it. Something in her statement must have triggered something within him though, because he drew himself up to his full height, and any guilt she might have had disappeared. 

“What’s a wife if she doesn’t obey her husband? You must do as I say if I’m to protect you!” 

Claire felt her anger dull, replaced by slack-jawed shock and betrayal. After all the love that Jamie had professed to have for her… only to now treat her no better than a possession? She was reduced to merely a thing to have, a thing to fuck. She was sorely tempted to say as much. But, glancing behind him where the other men stood, not subtle in their attempts to eavesdrop, she did her best to ignore her discontent. 

“Then perhaps I’m not the wife you think you want or deserve, Jamie. Is it not enough that I feel terrible for going against what you said? Do you want me to tell you how right you were? I was very nearly raped today. I think I know by now that it would have been better if I had left the stones alone.”

Claire barely noted the tears welling in her eyes. It would indeed have been better if she had just left the stones alone in the first place, except she would never have had Jamie in her life. Jamie, who had very nearly gotten himself killed coming to save her. Her tears flowed faster and she threw herself into his arms, catching him a bit off guard. He quickly relaxed into her, though, a comforting presence amidst the range of emotions that threatened to overtake her. They stood there in silence for a few moments more before Jamie drew back, wiping away her tears with a calloused fingertip. 

“Can you ever forgive me, Jamie?” 

“Claire, it’s already been done. I will always forgive you.” He sat down, pulling her with him.

“I dinnae mean to cause you such distress, Sassenach. Can you find it in your heart to do the same for me?”  
Claire hesitated only a moment before smiling back up at him.

“Forgiven.”

Later, Claire wouldn't be able to say how long they sat there together. It could have been hours before the sound of the others reached their ears. Jaime glanced back at them, seeming for a moment as if he had something else he needed to say to her, but instead he hauled himself to his feet and wandered over to the rest of the group. 

Claire let herself sit for a moment on the rock, giving herself a few moments to compose herself, trying to keep herself from dwelling too much on their argument by watching Jamie’s interactions with the other men. Some seemed to be asking him questions with… urgency. Perhaps irritation, she conceded. God knows she might deserve a little bit of that from them; Jamie's reaction had impressed upon her that it was incredibly dangerous to come after her. Looking around at where they now were, still several hours from where they had been staying the nights, it was also a major departure from their planned course. With the threat of redcoats on their heels, she assume they would make for Castle Leoch immediately. No more tax collection. And, she realized, no more fundraising for the Jacobite cause.

She continued to observe the men. Jamie seemed reluctant to volunteer answers, but as the men began to make the sign of the cross, she knew what he had shared. Her predisposition for the stones now more widely known, Claire’s heart sunk. She might never hope to return to Craigh na Dun now, not with the general attitude about anything “magic”: stay far, far away. If these men who had risked her lives to save her from the problem that the circle caused would ever let her near there again, she knew that Jamie, protective as he had proven, would never entertain the notion.


	2. to even the score

Claire had felt uneasy throughout dinner, unsure of how to treat the men now that she had caused them such a risky situation. Everyone seemed a bit icy towards her. Though they managed to shake off their solemn attitudes with the aid of a liberal amount of whisky, it was clear from their bawdy jokes and stories that she wouldn’t have been welcome if she had gone over. She sat a bit apart, content to just watch the spectacle and let the unfamiliar words wash over her. Jamie broke away from where they gathered by the fire to sit by her.

“Claire, I know that you understand the consequences that your disobedience had.”

She nodded, confused as to why he was bringing it up again. Hadn’t they already been over this? She’d given her apology, he’d accepted it, end of argument. At least it had always been that way between Frank and herself. Perhaps this was another product of the times, an endless scrutiny of her motives because she had dared to have her own opinion and exercise free will. 

“Know that I have forgiven you, as I will always, regardless of what you may do to me. But what you have done affected more than just me; you put all of the men in danger as well, perhaps even the whole Clan MacKenzie when we return to Leoch. And you need to answer for that.”

Answer for that? wondered Claire. He made it sound as if she was being punished for a crime or something of that sort. Her confusion was plain on her face. Understanding dawned on Jamie’s face, and he stood, offering her his arm.

“Come away with me. I think this is a conversation best had in private.”

In the comfort of their room, Jamie began to undress for bed, removing his jacket and untying the cravat around his neck before coming over to Claire to help her with her lacing. Though she knew that this was not the right time, she couldn’t help the fluttering she felt in her stomach as he undressed her. An effect of their recent honeymoon, perhaps. She shouldn’t be feeling desire for him while she was still cross. Claire settled onto their and Jamie turned to face his wife, pausing in his undressing, face suddenly stern.

“You’re a bit unfamiliar with Highland customs, and perhaps understandably so, Sassenach. But know this: if ye had been a man and done such as ye have done, ye might have expected to lose both your ears as penance, at the verra least. Perhaps even death for causing so many others to risk their own death.”

Claire swallowed hard. Jamie paused, eyes tracing her curves, which were visible through the rather sheer material of the shift.

“Given your feminine nature as well as the nature of the situation…” he said, voice dropping to a low murmur, “...well, what with the faeries… the punishment is somewhat less, though it does fall to me as your husband to administer it.”

“Jamie, what do you mean by that?”

“Well I certainly would nae want another man to see you draped bare-arsed across my lap.” 

With those words, his hands slid to his belt buckle, deftly pulling it free. and doubling it over. Claire felt a sinking in her stomach. Surely he couldn’t mean to do what she thought he was preparing to do…

“.What are you waiting for, lass?”

“I can’t believe this is happening,” Claire wondered aloud. Jamie looked at her in confusion- why was she delaying this? A lashing was far from the worst punishment he could offer given the circumstances. Given Randall’s skill with the whip, he mused, the border between England and Scotland certainly didn’t mean that the English, cowards in his private estimation, were too delicate for physical punishment. “You can’t truly mean to beat me, Jamie!” Claire exclaimed. 

“You act as if nobody has ever tanned your hide before,” he chided, almost laughing. Claire looked back at him, unblinking.   
She had expected a little bit of sympathy once he realized the truth of the matter- perhaps that would even give him pause for a moment- but the moment passed, and it seemed that Jamie hadn’t thought anything of her silence. Her heart started beating faster as he approached where she was sitting. She knew that Jamie would never do her real harm, but her faith in that grew weaker with every step that he took. Claire felt like a pig trapped in a pen, unable to escape from the farmer before she was brought to the slaughter. Her eyes darted side to side as she contemplated escape. Catching sight of the latched door, she froze, unsure of what to do. Before she could think of an alternative, Jamie had sat down beside her, boots planted firmly on the floor, pulling Claire towards him.   
Claire caught herself relaxing as he tenderly caressed her cheek, her body betraying her, because in the back of her mind she knew that there was pain and not pleasure to come. She was hardly surprised when he swiftly lifted the back of her shift to expose her to the room. The fight quickly returned to her, but it was too late. Though she squirmed and kicked and tried valiantly to break his hold, Claire only succeeded in wiggling around in Jamie’s lap.

“Careful now, Claire. Though ‘tis my duty as your husband to punish you, I didnae think I would enjoy it, but if you keep moving that way, that might change.” Jamie’s tone was somehow still bright and almost cheerful. In the clearing he had shown sensitivity to her emotions and to what she had been put through. He obviously didn’t realize the betrayal she was currently feeling. Claire figured it was hardly the best time to express her displeasure, vulnerable as she was, but opened her mouth anyways.

The first smack of the belt took her aback, a stinging followed by a deeper throbbing. Claire let out a quiet squeak instead of the words she had meant to say. Jamie certainly didn’t seem to be holding back. If he wasn’t willing to spare her, then she saw no reason to do the same for him. The next time she was struck, she hissed, “Sadist!”   
Claire tried to keep silent; if she was going to have to endure this, she would grit her teeth and bear it. She didn’t want to allow herself to show weakness and let him know how much it was hurting her, both the physical pain and the sting of his betrayal. But as the seconds ticked by, her resolve softened, and Claire let loose the worst of her vocabulary in a last-ditch effort to shock him into submission. A growing crescendo of profanity filled the room, carrying through the walls. With great relief, she noted that after the longest minutes of her life, her husband’s grip on her relaxed, and the harshness of the strap had been replaced none too soon by a gentle caress. Angry but mostly embarrassed, Claire roughly pulled away from him. 

“You had better never bloody do anything like that to me again or you’ll see how you like suffering the next time you get hurt, do you hear me, James Fraser?”  
Jamie seemed surprised by the vitriol that laced her voice, but Claire refused to back down. She hadn’t protested much before he had grabbed her; she wouldn’t make that mistake now, afterwards. If he had gotten the idea that she would idly sit by and allow him to treat her this way, he was sorely mistaken. 

“It’s a wife’s job to obey her husband, Claire, and his to make sure that she has reason to mind him,” Jamie stated plainly. 

“Well, a wife wouldn’t have a reason to remain with a husband who beats her,” she fumed.

“That beating, as you call it, was to satisfy the men. Had I not done that, you would ne’er have been accepted as one of our number again, least of all back at Castle Leoch.” Claire tried to maintain her righteous anger, but Jamie’s earnest conviction threatened it. He seemed very sure that what he had done was the right thing. 

“Your idea of punishment is to take me across your lap, a grown woman and your wife, as you might a wee child, instead of, I don’t know, perhaps discussing the problem with me?” Claire spat out, incredulous. “I already understood the consequences of my actions, and I would have sworn not to do something as foolish again. Would my sincere promise not have been enough?”

“Your promises please me more than you can know, Claire. As my father taught me and his father before him, though, a few smacks can only help to convince someone to tell the truth and make good on what they might have sworn. And it certainly will get the men to believe that you truly regret what you did.”

“I’m not sure what you always expected from a wife, perhaps someone meek and submissive, but that is never going to be me, Jamie,” Claire started.

“Aye, nobody could mistake you for meek,” he interjected.

“I can’t sit back while you treat me with all the respect you would afford to a child! I thought that you understood that I am more than a possession. You may see yourself as my master, but I’ll be damned if I don’t have the same control over you.”

“You rule over my every thought, Sassenach. Aye, I am your master, but you are mine. Cannae you see the power you hold over me?”

Claire smiled at this. She would take the progress she could get with Jamie. Letting the matter lie for the night might not be the best action she could take, but, as her tired eyes reminded her, it certainly couldn’t be the worst. They could revisit the argument in the morning, when she was better able to express her rage without a yawn ruining her credibility. She stood from where she now sat beside Jamie, pulling back the sheets and climbing into bed. 

“I’ll be back in jest a moment, Claire,” Jamie spoke softly, slipping from the room.

Her eyes felt like leaden weights and she gave up trying to keep them open long enough for Jamie to return. It looked like she would be waiting for morning for this conversation after all. But mark her words, she was far from finished with him. She wouldn’t be done until she had impressed upon Jamie the sheer idiocy of what he had done, even in the name of “tradition”.


End file.
